so i dunno if she told u but nightingale mentioned a thing. a crush thing. like u might have 1 on me? honestly i have a lot of feelings in regard to that and theyre kinda complicated but its nothing to do with u specifically and more me. so i might have a lot of feelings on that but its also kinda irrelevant if things dont go nowhere.
which it might not cuz u kno i shoved a shard of me proposing to a dude in ur mirror which was a really big dick move. not because im married, the dude is actually gay so that really cant go anywhere good or workable, but more because i was a major dick. i would understand if that made u realize u probs shouldnt want to date me or anything cause im a travesty.
now thats relevant. i know im rambling but that is my point. im a travesty. u know more than a lot of people of what i went through but just cause u know the events doesnt mean u know the full affects of it. and the thing is i do like u and i do care about u a lot. but i also know if i hide that stuff it cant go anywhere because that stuff is apart of me and itll have to come up at some point. casual dates or make outs are one thing but anything committed needs openness
i should have said this to your face but im kind of a coward like that and words are really fucking hard.
the thing is im scared. im scared to show people the real me. because the real me is broken. maybe irreversibly so. i grew up in a terrible place and to survive i had to put all this fucked up way of thinking in my head so i could deal with it. i know im fucked up and a lot of what is but i dun know how to STOP it. i try going to people for help but when i do i just seem to hurt them and they hurt me and it doesnt go well.
i dont want to hurt you. theres a part of me that wants to reach out but another part wants to pull away because im a goddamn lady of science and i know u cant expect to do the same thing and get a different result.
but i hope itll be different anyway.
just
if u expect to already know who i am and thats all u want its better to let go of any feelings beyond friendship now. if u know theres stuff ur not seeing a lot of stuff
no subject
so i dunno if she told u but nightingale mentioned a thing. a crush thing. like u might have 1 on me? honestly i have a lot of feelings in regard to that and theyre kinda complicated but its nothing to do with u specifically and more me. so i might have a lot of feelings on that but its also kinda irrelevant if things dont go nowhere.
which it might not cuz u kno i shoved a shard of me proposing to a dude in ur mirror which was a really big dick move. not because im married, the dude is actually gay so that really cant go anywhere good or workable, but more because i was a major dick. i would understand if that made u realize u probs shouldnt want to date me or anything cause im a travesty.
now thats relevant. i know im rambling but that is my point. im a travesty. u know more than a lot of people of what i went through but just cause u know the events doesnt mean u know the full affects of it. and the thing is i do like u and i do care about u a lot. but i also know if i hide that stuff it cant go anywhere because that stuff is apart of me and itll have to come up at some point. casual dates or make outs are one thing but anything committed needs openness
i should have said this to your face but im kind of a coward like that and words are really fucking hard.
the thing is im scared. im scared to show people the real me. because the real me is broken. maybe irreversibly so. i grew up in a terrible place and to survive i had to put all this fucked up way of thinking in my head so i could deal with it. i know im fucked up and a lot of what is but i dun know how to STOP it. i try going to people for help but when i do i just seem to hurt them and they hurt me and it doesnt go well.
i dont want to hurt you. theres a part of me that wants to reach out but another part wants to pull away because im a goddamn lady of science and i know u cant expect to do the same thing and get a different result.
but i hope itll be different anyway.
just
if u expect to already know who i am and thats all u want its better to let go of any feelings beyond friendship now. if u know theres stuff ur not seeing a lot of stuff
then do what u want
Signed,
Roxy